Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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