I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
