if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
