You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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