i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize