After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
