He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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