if you like me you must not know who I am
On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
