So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
