You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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