Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
