Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
