Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize
