oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
