What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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