Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
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