If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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