i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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