hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Soap is not a condiment
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
