Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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