dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize