I met the friendliest cop last night
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
