dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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