My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize