are you still at the devil's house?
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
