The best revenge is premature balding
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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