Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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