You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Randomize
