So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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