Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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