He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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