My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Randomize
