who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
