his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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