Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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