I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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