Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
