I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
