@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
