i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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