allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
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