there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
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