Say something about gay babies.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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