your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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