and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
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