I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
