i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Randomize
