nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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