I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
