Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
