i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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