I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
