a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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