I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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