i permit you to call me
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
