My friends, they love my intelligence
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
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